Be Very Afraid of 2007




我在地鐵上讀著amNewYork中的John Teti專欄而忍不住狂笑


Here's what's going to happen


Published : December 27, 2006 / amNewYork

As the cigarette butt of another year burns to a close, it's time to put the clumsy metaphors of 2006 behind us and look ahead to the freshly starched shirt of 2007. Here's what lies in store for the new year.

General Trends

-The following things will get worse in 2007: the Iraq civil war, global warming, that curry smell in the backseat.

-The following things will improve in 2007: Congressional approval ratings, the delicious taste of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, sponsorship revenues for this column.

New York

-The Great Blackout of 2007 will end when Con Edison trips over a cord and realizes it simply forgot to plug in Queens.

-Cocky from their recent court successes, off-leash dogs will file a lawsuit against the trans-fat ban. When that fails, they will refocus on their core goals of fetching tennis balls and eating from the garbage.


-Jealous of all the free publicity Nintendo receives from coverage of Wii-related injuries, Sony executive Ken Kutaragi will offer to visit the homes of PlayStation 3 owners and personally punch them in the face.

-Quixotic Microsoft will forge ahead in its conquest of the digital-music sector. The company will double its market share, selling more than a dozen Zunes.

-Meanwhile, Apple will release an iPod that doesn't even play music, just to remind us all who's boss.


-Barack Hussein Obama will continue to suffer cheap potshots because his name sounds vaguely evil. To make Obama more palatable, the Democrats will prop up a decoy candidate, Heywood Jablowupamericans.

-Once Americans realize that his months-long "listening tour" is just an elaborate stalling tactic, President Bush will admit that it is time for a new strategy in Iraq. He will then say, "Hey, look! Ice-cream truck!" So we'll turn around, and there'll be no ice-cream truck, but in the meantime, President Bush will run away to hide in the bushes. We will be upset because we really wanted a Fudgsicle.

-Nancy Pelosi will kill a man with her bare hands.

-People named something other than McCain or Clinton will announce their candidacy for the White House. Nobody will pretend to care.


-After two consecutive seasons of declining ratings, the bird flu will finally be canceled.

-Tori Spelling will astonish onlookers by continuing to exist.

-My inbox will be inundated with angry e-mails from fans of Tori Spelling.

-Time magazine will name its Person of the Year: "Y'Know, Stuff, or Something."

-Newspaper columnists will make their moronic predictions for 2008, knowing that by then, you'll have forgotten everything they said would happen in 2007.

John Teti is a freelance writer.